Monday, January 28, 2013

My Sneak Peeks

I haven't posted anything about my new baby yet. Mostly because my blog storage space got too full and I couldn't post until I deleted a lot of old blogs, but honestly it's also been because I just haven't felt like posting about this pregnancy. Slightly because I'm super super sick and feel horrible all the time. Slightly because I'm the one person on earth not thrilled with the idea of me being pregnant. And slightly because there's nothing really to say yet.

However, today my thoughts have changed. Up until today my feelings just haven't been there for this pregnancy. I won't say my feelings haven't been there for this baby because that's simply not true and not fair. My baby I can love. I have found over my two years of being a foster parent that I can truly love ANY baby. But I was not in love with the fact that I was pregnant--again--after trying so hard not to let this happen. "Get over it!" you say? I'm trying to. "Many people would love to be pregnant and can't". I know. I wish they could, but it doesn't change the fact that I didn't want this. "Children are a blessing from the Lord" you say. I know. Children are a blessing, but pregnancy is hard. I'm a comfort seeker and I don't like the discomfort of pregnancy. "Get over it!" you say? Well the good news is that I am slowly but surely getting over it.

My baby comes at the perfect time. Jeremy and I had closed our home as of December 1 to make way for Remi's new brother, Sullivan. I was totally ok with the fact that we wouldn't be foster parents for a while so that Sully could be the only baby. I kept telling myself that this would give me the break I needed to fully get Terrance in the swing of homeschool and get our family adjusted to yet again another new normal. However, in the back of my mind I was sad. Sad to put our family on hold. Sad to close our doors to the needy. Sad to miss out on the Charlie's and Nana's, and Joy's that blessed our lives so much. Sad. Just sad. When I took that positive pregnancy test in December a tiny part of me was glad that our family hadn't been put on hold.

However that tiny happy part of me was hidden under loads and loads of disappointment, discomfort, and it didn't show itself for many weeks. For weeks I've been disappointed. For weeks I've been uncomfortable. For weeks I've been feeling sorry for myself and to be honest I got down right depressed. I've never felt depressed. I've never even really felt sad for longer than an hour or two in my whole life. Depression was new to me and I hated it. It rocked my whole world and left me wondering, "Am I so pathetic that I can't even enjoy being pregnant?" "Am I so ungrateful that I can't even be thankful for a life inside me?" It didn't help that I was sick. And I mean sick. Puking, sleeping, gagging, the list goes on and on. Every day--sick. Every hour--sick. I got so sick of feeling sick. Feelings of worthlessness crept in because I wasn't myself. I couldn't cook, clean, play, teach. . . nothing. I hated it. I still hate it.

On January 18th I was scheduled to get my first sonogram. I could feel the anticipation in my heart for weeks. I needed to see my baby. I needed to bond with the baby that I hadn't bonded with yet. I needed to see eyes, a nose, hands, EVERYTHING. I needed it so desperately. I felt like the moment I saw the baby all my feelings of disappointment and resentment would fade because like I said, "I can love any baby". Well my appointment day came. The whole family was anticipating this day. James came. Terrance didn't come because he had school and I thought this would be an internal sonogram and no 12 year old needs to witness that!!! I was on edge all morning just waiting to see this baby. Waiting for my motherly instincts to kick in and rescue me from this pity party I was having.

Unfortunately, the sonogram was a bust. I squinted, I strained, I tried everything, but I couldn't see anything but a blob. "I'm 9 weeks along! I should be seeing a head, hands, a nose. . . something!"  . . . NOTHING. I saw nothing. I was crushed. Actually crushed doesn't begin to describe how I felt. My husband saw a whole new side of me that day because I was in the pit of despair. Crying, hyperventalating, wailing at the top of my lungs. I didn't care who heard me or if I even passed out. I literally cried myself out of tears. This bonding experience that I had so hoped for disappointed me like everything else. I felt shafted, alone, abused, etc. I felt so many horrible things that day. Here is the picture of my darling baby from Jan. 18. You tell me what you see. . . a blob!
 Oh I know I should be thankful for the healthy heart beat, the baby's size being normal, the non-empty uterus. But I hadn't bonded and mostly that was my fault, but it still left me sad.

Fast forward a week and a half. I've still been puking, sleeping, gagging, all that fun stuff, but I finally had my first official appointment with my doctor and I've been waiting to see her and just let her know I need some help. She was beyond nice and friendly and immediately told me about some medicine I can take to help with the nausea. Then I told her about my disappointment with the sonogram. I told her that since this was a surprise pregnancy my emotions have been all over the map and that I hadn't bonded with this baby yet. She could see it in my eyes as I recalled our sonogram day and the feelings of despair that washed over me when all I could see was a blob.

She immediately turned on the sonogram machine and said, "Well, you've just got to see your baby. Let's take a look right now!' And let me tell you. Something washed over me like a gentle warm shower. I was excited. I was hopeful. I felt like . . . a mother. She zoomed around from all kinds of angles to try and show me everything she could and honestly the picture wasn't that much better than the first time, but I didn't care. I loved it. I loved the little image I was seeing. I did see the baby's head and nose and got a great profile look at it. I saw the umbilical cord and heart beating and all kinds of cool stuff, but more importantly I felt love.

Love for the little life growing inside me. You don't know how grateful I am to feel these things. I've really felt like something was wrong with me. Who wouldn't love being pregnant? Who wouldn't love this? I get it. I'm a freak! But I truly felt these things and it's been hard to deal with. So, I am now armed with Zofran and the adorable image of my new baby, my new family member, my new little gift that God so graciously forced into my womb and I'm ready to endure and enjoy these next 30 weeks of being pregnant. This will FOR SURE be my last pregnancy and this will for sure be the greatest surprise of my life.

Here's my sono picture from today. You may see a blob, but if you look closely and add in a touch of mother's love, you will see a human that God ordained to join this earth. I love this little human and my momma heart is oozing with thankfulness.

"Give thanks to Lord for He is good. His love endures forever!"

5 comments:

Laurie said...

I can see your child for sure!! I know what an empty womb looks like on a sonogram screen...so anything in there no matter how tiny is something. :)

"A person's a person no matter how small" ~ Dr. Seuss

Wendy Davis said...

That's the cutest little blob ever! Don't ever apologize for your feelings, you have every right to feel everything you are feeling right now. Pregnancy is hard, and takes a lot out of you. Don't feel like you have to skip around all happy and excited. There will be plenty of time for that once baby (girl) arrives. Ha! I know what's is like to want to be pregnant and I know what's it's like to feel absolutely terrified, mad, and completely upset about a pregnancy. It's possible to feel every emotion in the book. That's okay, feel what you feel. And then call me! And I haven't ever been as sick as you have. So sorry friend!

Didn't mean to write a book, and I know I've told you most of this already, just wanted to remind you that you are completely validated in your feelings.

And your blob is adorable!

Kristy Dixon said...

I can see your precious baby clearly. It's what I was hoping to see at my first sono the day after Christmas, but instead I saw an empty womb due to miscarrying our surprise pregnancy the weekend before Christmas. I thought I didn't want that baby, but once I got used to the idea it was gone. I too panicked and hyperventilated out of fear of the unknown of having a 3rd and being able to afford a 3rd, but now it's gone and all I want more than anything is to be pregnant again and welcome a 3rd child into our home. Crazy, huh? God is so good and it sounds like you have a wonderfully empathic doctor. Congratulations. I was super sick and on Zofran until 22 weeks with Kellyn so maybe it's a girl! :)

debikay said...

I hope (she) feels Mimi love, too. I have not one pebble to throw because I have been horribly upset and depressed about being pregnant. Totally understand. Also go very glad you had that sweet wave of love for (her)-you know I'll love a 'him' must as much! I didn't feel that love for Jacob till he was 3 (?) months old-then I lost him at 7 months. So I'm glad you're better than I was. And I'm praying for your health every day. I know moms-especially-homeschooling ones-don't get sick days. ;)

debikay said...

I hope (she) feels Mimi love, too. I have not one pebble to throw because I have been horribly upset and depressed about being pregnant. Totally understand. Also go very glad you had that sweet wave of love for (her)-you know I'll love a 'him' must as much! I didn't feel that love for Jacob till he was 3 (?) months old-then I lost him at 7 months. So I'm glad you're better than I was. And I'm praying for your health every day. I know moms-especially-homeschooling ones-don't get sick days. ;)